solarsys: (4 Nix)
had a dream abt Meeting Someone, like in the romo way, and having to explain all the weird brain stuff to her. Darby finds it unfortunate that the dream-person was just a borrowed face - someone we've seen around whose face wound up getting recycled in a dream. i find it unfortunate that sie's actually having dreams about romance. at least there was a tattoo idea at the very end of the dream, even if it was a really bad idea.

i swear, sie's itching to find a dating site and make an account. problems are, we're (1) underage, and (2) not mentally or emotionally ready for that shit, even if Darby is. sie'd be doing all kinds of shit in an independent body but sie's stuck with us and has to deal with it. and i mean, i kind of feel bad knowing the rest of us are dragging sem down, but i don't feel that bad. like im not gonna feel bad for fuckin existing, yknow? not that Darby wants any of us to feel bad anyway, just. yknow.

idk. whatever. it was a weird romo dream and the tattoo idea was like the war paint in Skyrim where it's a V on your face, with the point below your lips and the edges above your eyebrows and the rest running up and down your cheeks, like this photoshopped shit:

see, it looks like clown makeup and it's all over the face. bad bad idea. but it's pretty cool anyway...

names v2

Feb. 1st, 2015 06:24 am
solarsys: (Default)
solarsys: (2 Sam)
Gods, it's already February. We might be graduating in two months. Two months. Gotta love these alternative high schools. Most people go to them for behavioral or academic issues or because theyre pregnant/parenting, we're going because our mental health is so fucked up we cannot function in regular school, full stop. Yay.

I can't even begin to consider what we're going to do after we're done with school. Work and college are both out of the question, and will likely still be out of the question by the time graduation rolls around. We can barely get out of bed some days. It's just not happening, not yet. I've been looking into grouphomes, but we won't be a legal adult until this next December, so I'm not sure what we'll do in the interim. This town is lacking in everything up to and including therapists, and it's honestly pretty ridiculous.

Even being back in therapy, the time between appointments drags on so slowly, we can't just sit at home and do nothing in-between, but there's just so little we can do. There's some kind of facility near where we live, but we're fairly sure it's just for substance abuse. We don't want to go back to the hospital, really, just to have something. Some kind of structure and therapy, once a week isn't enough. There are licensed therapists at this new school we're going to, and we'll be meeting with them, but what happens after that?

I'm worried for us. The road ends a couple of miles away, and we most certainly are not wearing walking shoes.


names ????

Jan. 31st, 2015 05:40 pm
solarsys: (Default)
Body name: Logan

Logan -> Mercury
Six -> Sam
Twelve -> Sandalwood
solarsys: (2 Sam)
Twelve is very anxious and paranoid, and is very likely the source of dermatillomania in the system. They tend to scratch our arms when agitated and pick our face literally all the time. They front infrequently, usually at times of perceived high stress (when theyre having high stress, but nobody else really is). Lots of internalized ableism. Not actively a troublemaker, but causes a lot of general psychological damage and mild physical damage because of their own personal issues. Would probably react to therapy.

Nine is the exact opposite. She doesn't really react to the rest of the system, and she doesn't entirely believe the rest of us are here, which certainly doesn't help the rest of our doubt issues. Nine has a habit of arguing with me in what she assumes is a subconscious way about pretty much everything. She uses words she shouldn't, she's rude, and she doesn't care about groups of people that get systematically shat on. Twelve trusts nobody except their systemmates; Nine trusts nobody, period. Nine cares only about herself and believes only in herself. Active troublemaker. Would probably resist therapy as much as she resists acknowledging systemmates.
solarsys: (2 Sam)
 Pinterest is tricky sometimes. We each have a board to pin to, but sometimes two of us will like the same thing, or sometimes we'll be too blurry to figure out who, exactly, likes a certain pin. Being blurry sucks honestly, it's really inconvenient and it doesn't help our self(ves?)-doubt. Not sure there's anything to be done about it, though. ah well.
solarsys: (4 Nix)
I think I get it, sort of. for Twelve, life's a play and every scene is meticulously planned out. everything has to be just so, or its wrong. they live an overdramatized version of life and that's part of why they do the things they do. the rest is internalized ableism and insecurity and lacking trust.

another thing: my system role is basically that of head babysitter.

solarsys: (Darby)
we made icons of us!!! :- D

Me, Nix, Six, Logan, Ell, Nine, and Twelve, in order!!
(though we hopefully won't ever need to use the last two, because that'll mean something Bad happened. they don't front unless something bad is happening :- ( which is sad. i wish they would front when good things happen, and be happy!! but they're too stuck in bad things to focus on anything else right now. i guess that's what therapy is for.)

solarsys: (Default)
 i don't think we've got a readily accessible headspace. i think the one we do have cant be reached except by lucid dreams, and i think the closest we've got to a waking headspace is a couple of little rooms we all hang around in. One's the "Front" room, and that's just where we hang out normally. then there's a "Lockdown" room where everyone gets thrown if someone decides theyre gonna front alone for a while. Then there's the Back, and that's where we go otherwise, and that's not readily accessible. we just go away - probably to that goddamn headcity we can't see when we're awake.

for the millionth time: we've gotta start meditating again. this shit's not gonna come around on its own.



solarsys: (Default)
the Logan

February 2015

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